I’m not shocked by the shameless courting of base hormonal impulses, since Atlus did the same thing for the first game. I am, however, shocked by the second poster showing what appears to be, at a glance, an erect, flesh-colored phallus emerging from the water around Izuna’s crotch.

A closer look reveals that it’s just a knee belonging to Shino, the dark-haired girl sitting more daintily in the upper corner. Still, it’s a shame that the first poster won the vote, as people who’d hang these on their walls deserve to get weird looks for reasons they never intended.

That wasn’t always the plan. GameArts’ original ideas for Lunar II: Eternal Blue called for the main cast from Lunar: The Silver Star to return, older and perhaps as supporting characters. That’s what some early concept illustrations from Softbank’s Lunar I and II artbook shows, anyway. I’ve never seen these online anywhere, so I decided to scan them and finally get some use out of the book. I bought it in Japan during the height of my RPG obsession, after giving up on finding the Xenogears art collection.

Alex, the hero, was a kid with a harp and a fur hat in the first game. For the second, he became a lumberjack and grew one hell of a mullet, while his passive love interest, Luna, started wearing makeup.

Mia looks a lot like she did in the first game. Oh well.

Alex’s fat, worthless friend Ramus, who stayed in the party for about five minutes in the first Lunar, got a monocle and cigar for Lunar II. From the look of it, Jessica didn’t change much at all.

The book also has illustrations of Nash and Kyle, but they looked exactly like they did in the first game. You can see Kyle drunk and passed out in this storyboard shot. I don’t know if it’s a planned scene from Lunar II or an unused movie sequence from The Silver Star.

Finally, I scanned this. It could be a discarded idea for a mini-game, but that's...unlikely.

My interest in this game is now up about a hundred notches. To a total of 103 notches.

To sum it up: a villain is shown casually reading the book in one episode, someone notices it years later through an Arabic bootleg of the series, and people on forums complain. In response, the Japanese publisher issues a letter of apology, explaining that the animators simply used the book as a prop. Then that same publisher halts shipments of both the anime series and the manga for the time being.

If any Muslim extremists are reading this, I would like to call their attention to this completely unaltered image from a Japanese cartoon known as Lucky Star.

Again, that’s Lucky Star, published by Kadokawa Pictures and sold throughout Japan and North America. For the time being.

The important thing here is that Yoshiura’s next project, Eve no Jikan, is finally coming to light. The above trailer showed up at the official website, introducing what appears to be the first of several stories about a world where androids are commonplace and distinguished from humans only by hi-tech halos and bovine gazes.

It seems to be a remake of Yoshiura’s nine-minute Aquatic Language short, right down to the coffee shop peopled by friendly robots. Less promising are all the ingredients you'd need for some terrible farce aimed at otaku shut-ins: a glasses-wearing kid is shown prominently, and there’s a ready selection of android girls for him to get embarrassed over.

But this is Yoshiura, and I expect something closer to a detailed character study about just how cheap sentience could be in a world of humanoid machines (a real study; not that fetishy Chobits horseshit). I’ve yet to see a release date for Eve no Jikan, though, so it might be a while before I find out just how many doomed hopes I can throw its way.

The Tower of Druaga: The Aegis of Uruk
Having realized that they’re making a TV show out of a plotless 1984 arcade game and its descendents, the staff put together a first episode that parodies an entire season of fantasy clichés in 20 minutes. Like most anime comedies, there’s a 3-to-1 ratio of lousy jokes to funny ones, but the resulting mockery (and a climax apparently animated by Gurren Lagann’s Hiroyuki Imaishi) is surprisingly tolerable. Too bad it’ll probably switch to halfway-straight schlock for the rest of the series.
Revised Value Estimate: Two honestly earned American dollars for this particular episode. Three if you were willing to sit through Imaishi’s Dead Leaves.

Blassreiter
I wanted Ichiro Itano’s new show to be some endearingly stupid mash-up of ridiculous, gory demon-machine battles and whackjob anti-American ranting. The first episode has neither; the soggy dramatic moments verge on unintended comedy, and Itano’s brand of visual overkill is made bloodless and boring by jarring, ugly CG work. It’s disappointing all around, though you could find some humor in the logic-defying battles and frequently hideous supporting cast.
Revised Value Estimate: Twenty-five cents. Fifty if you enjoy laughing at things like this.

You can watch The Tower of Druaga and Blassreiter for free, but Crunchyroll’s putting forth another offer. Pay any amount you want, Radiohead-style, and you can download the high-definition episodes. This raises a hard question: exactly how much should you pay for what will likely be watch-once diversions?

Technically, you shouldn’t give Crunchyroll any money because the site’s founders are human filth and profit from stolen content, but if you really want to pay, feel free to use the following cost calculator. We’ll start with $1.99, which is what the kids seem to give up for a single TV episode on iTunes, and work things out from there.

-Based on a videogame. Subtract one whole dollar.
-Based on an old Namco dungeon-crawler with so little plot that the anime will be mostly new material anyway. Add 10 cents.
-Made by Gonzo and does not involve Mahiro Maeda. Subtract 75 cents.
-Probably won’t feature the heroine from Namco’s The Legend of Valkyrie arcade game. Subtract 10 cents.
-Directed by Koichi Chigira of the Full Metal Panic anime's first season. Subtract 20 cents.
-Soundtrack by Final Fantasy XII composer Hitoshi Sakimoto. Add 50 cents.
-Scripted by Shoji Gatoh, the author of the Full Metal Panic! novels. Add 3 cents.

Total: $0.57

-Director Ichiro Itano may showcase his “Itano Circus” style of midair missile-dodging, like he did in Macross all those years ago. Add 10 cents.
-Itano may also showcase bugfuck-crazy conspiracies about psychic nuclear amazon assassins controlled by Jewish-American Wall Street Space Bankers, like he did in Angel Cop all those years ago. Add 50 cents.
-Made by Gonzo and does not involve Mahiro Maeda. Subtract 75 cents.
-Main character is described as a dark hero with a mysterious past. Subtract 25 cents.
-Female lead is described as capable and assertive. Add 10 cents.
-Female lead also exposes cleavage despite being an elite investigator. Add 5 cents. (If you’re planning to watch this in the presence of people whose respect you value, subtract 20 cents.)
-Scripted by the writer of the Witchblade anime. Subtract 50 cents.
-Set in Germany, thus opening the door for all manner of amusingly incorrect Germanisms. Add 10 cents.

Total: $1.34/1.09

As magazine previews like these reveal, however, Lenneth’s outnumbered by Wilfred and his semi-human allies, and they’re all part of a battle system that’s still without much detail. It has the Full Meter Ultra Combo Magical Desperation attacks of the previous two Valkyrie Profiles, but it remains to be seen just how it’ll play out with a DS and a stylus.

Also frustrating is that illustration of Lenneth with her skirts aflutter like some graceless floozy.

That is not the way of things, tri-Ace.

But that time is not yet at hand, because tri-Ace is making Valkyrie Profile: The Accused One for the DS, and I am once again a madman.

All we have so far are a few screens, a magazine spread, and the basic pitch: the story’s about Wilfred (above), a silvery-haired young swordsman who hates Valkyries because they ruined his life or possibly because he's crazy and thinks they’re evil feminine voids. He’s given a magic feather by Hel, goddess of the underworld, and sets out to get his revenge on the Aesir. Bright lad.

His friend Ansel and an underworld emissary named Elise/Eris/Aeris (seen above) join Wilfred, and Lenneth appears to be the focus of his anti-Valkyrie extremism.

Yes, there’s no word on the battle system or on how it’ll play out with a filthy mortal as the lead, but my optimism will remain for two reaons: 1) It has art by You Yoshinari and Kou Yoshinari, the siblings who designed the cast of the original game and did some illustrations for the second. 2) It’s Valkyrie Profile.

There’s also a new spate of screenshots, suggesting that someone at Treasure took a good look at their catalog and realized that, unlike every other action-game developer on the planet, they’ve never blatantly ripped off H.R. Giger. Bangai-O Spirits fixes that.

One thing still un-addressed is the game’s use of reflecting lasers. Yet I’m now willing to accept that there might not be any, and that it’s almost a fair trade if we get hundreds of levels and the ability to customize and transfer them through sound. I'll still complain about the lasers, of course, but I won't really mean it.

But let’s remember that the charm of the original Bangai-O lay mostly in its cast of enemies, so all should be well as long as Ruri and Masato run across tree-headed spirit guides and schoolyard nemeses and women who communicate by drawing pictures and robot superheroes who dress up as brides to disrupt yakuza marriages.

The site’s “Weapon” section isn’t open yet, so I still can't tell whether or not Spirits will have two different projectile types to go along with its two leads. I don’t want to lose the original game’s reflecting lasers, Treasure. I defended you when you yanked most of the weapons from Gunstar Super Heroes, but if Bangai-O comes to the DS without lasers, there will be consequences. Dire ones.

Yep. Chocobo Gummies. I must’ve bought them back in 1997, during my first trip to Japan, and then thrown them in the closet upon realizing I had no idea of what to do with them. They’re over ten years old, and eight years past their expiration dates.

The candy rattles around like little rocks when I shake the bags. I’m tempted to open one, but there’s the outside chance that these are actually worth something to somebody. Square fans always pay stupid amounts for rare merchandise, right?

The bidding will start at ten dollars. Per gummi.

Besides, look at the cover and its weirdly Caucasian version of Kickle. I wouldn't have touched that when I was eleven.

Remember Hammerin' Harry, the old Irem arcade game? Yeah, I barely do, and that's why this news surprised me. The character art for the new Harry looks considerably generic, but it's an improvement on the cover of the NES port that was never released in America.

It's also nice to see a company dip into largely forgotten stretches of gaming history and haul up both a new PSP title and a free online cartoon. Next: shows based on Cadash, Wardner and J.J. Squawkers.

I realize that this whole pricey Japanese model culture stems from limited production runs, a small venue of customers and the fact that most of what I just called "crap" is actually well-made, in a strictly technical sense. It's just that I can't see myself ever spending upwards of $80 on, well, a toy.

There are times when I’m tempted, though. The recent Soul of Chogokin Gunbuster may be two hundred bucks, but it would fit so damn nicely with both my stupid Gunbuster affection and those childhood dreams of owning the giant Transformers that my parents never got me. Then there came along Alter’s surprisingly unsuggestive Motoko Kusanagi piece, which I thought about buying when I saw it for fifty bucks in some Tokyo store. That thought passed.

The latest temptation came last month, when Shueisha made this figure of Alita from Yukito Kishiro’s Battle Angel Alita manga. I like the series, even in its padded recent installments, and the first time I read it I couldn’t help but think that all of its cyborgs and mutants and other sharply designed characters would make some kick-ass toys. I’m surprised a company took so long to agree with my young and dorky self.

Of course, the figure comes in a special package that includes a volume of Battle Angel short stories and costs about sixty bucks. And I wasn’t getting one. Nope. Wasn’t gonna.

Well, not without seeing it first.

Fortunately, there’s a Japanese bookstore at the local mall, and it has a few of the toy-and-manga sets. The figure is a little over five inches tall, and it ain’t pretty. The sculptor tried to emulate those pursed octopus-lips that Kishiro sometimes draws on Alita, and it makes the toy look like a buck-toothed squirrel cyborg. Here's proof. One of the figures at the store even had a lazy eye.

I thought about buying one and flipping it on eBay, where people seem to be selling them for an extra twenty bucks. But I won't. No one deserves to pay $16 per inch for this.

I also forgot to mention the Trojan arcade flyer. It’s actually not that bad of an illustration on the whole, but there’s one thing about it that cracks me up: Trojan Guy’s face.

The flyer doubled as the NES game’s cover art, though it was boxed in by the same hi-tech, neon-is-the-future grid than Capcom used for all of its early NES releases. And that’s a shame, because it made Trojan Guy way too small for us to appreciate his baleful, huge-chinned visage. He’s going to destroy the fuck out of those evil ones.

But man, do I like El Viento. It’s hardly the best action-platform game for the old Sega Genesis, but I can’t get enough of all the thoroughly insane crap that Wolf Team threw into it with no regard for logic or cohesion. This delicate theme runs through the game itself, what with Al Capone driving a hi-tech tank (in the 1920s, no less) on the first level, Annet surfing on a dolphin in the fourth stage, and the second level being a Mount Rushmore maze full of trampolines and smiley-faced gun turrets.

Yet it’s even more nuts in the story sequences, which are nonsensical mash-ups of Indiana Jones movies, Prohibition gangster stuff and vaguely Lovecraftian conspiracies about burbling preternatural gibbous squamous eldritch horrors from unknowable realms beyond the veils of space and time. It’s also hard to tell just who’s saying what, since almost every cutscene consists of a single bizarrely framed image.

This one’s my favorite. It’s like that picture-making minigame in Super Mario Bros. 3, but someone screwed up by landing on anime Al Capone’s face instead of Annet's authentic native Peruvian belly shirt.

And that's El Viento, probably the twenty-fourth or twenty-fifth best game I played last year. Happy 2008, everyone.