The following is an ad for The Combatribes, a mediocre SNES beat-‘em-up that came and went in 1993.
Let's take it from the first panel, which introduces a self-proclaimed renegade cyborg and “fabulous babe” named Martha Splatterhead. Yes, that's right, Splatterhead. ‘Cause she splatters heads. Or maybe her own head was splattered at some point in the past, which would explain why she lacks the sense to move out of the way of oncoming traffic. But before a car can mow her down, Martha elaborates that she left the military and arrived in New York to take over the local gangs. Not just any gang. All of them. She's a woman with ambition. And contrary to what you may have read in newspapers or seen in Martin Scorsese films, the gangs of New York are apparently made up of a lawsuit-inducing facsimile of the Joker, two thugs armed with a broken bottle and a plank, and a circus clown.
So confident is Martha in her legion of destruction that she proclaims her superiority to her former companions, the Combatribes. However, she's interrupted by the witty outburst of “Don't count on it, Splatterhead!” from Berzerker, a square-headed Bad Dudes escapee who's apparently been sitting on his motorcycle beside Martha for some time, as there's no indication of his bike moving. Thrusting his misshapen arm at her in a vaguely accusing manner, Berzerker (whose bracelets, in testament to the art quality of this comic, change from panel to panel) continues to spout snappy comebacks as he's flanked by his silent sidekicks Blitz and Bullova, which just goes to show you that “Splatterhead” might not be the dumbest name in our little show.
In response to Berzerker's threatening rant, Martha coquettishly bats her mascara-caked eyelashes and asks “You wouldn't hit a lady, would you?” Berzerker, who has evidently used up all of his verbal rejoinders, slams an entirely unprovoked punch into Martha's face. Then, standing over the knocked-silly Martha, he bellows out the next great catchphrase for this new age: “Cyborgs ain't ladies!”
If this isn't the lowest point in video game advertising, it's damn close to it. Here we find a woman pondering her conquest of New York like an old-fashioned movie serial villain, only to have the game's steroid-fed, criminally violent “hero” walk up and bash her in the face when she gives him some of her smart-mouth, like women folk are wont to do. But it's okay, because Martha's a cyborg! It's funny! Look at that goofy smile on her face! She probably enjoyed her beating! Now get in the kitchen and fetch Beef, Biff, and Buttlock some beer and sandwiches, Martha.
Furthermore, all this occurs with the Nintendo Seal of Quality sitting there in the lower right-hand corner of the ad, assuring readers that this exercise in poorly drawn misogyny is fully licensed by Nintendo. With this blessing, it's a pity that Technos didn't create a sequel advertisement in which Berzerker is hauled into court and tried for assault and battery. After hearing a shaken Martha testify about the incident, the judge turns to Berzerker, who blurts “Cyborgs ain't ladies!” He's acquitted instantly.
But perhaps there's a subtler theme at work here. Perhaps Berzerker is seeking to impress upon Martha that it's wrong for a woman to confront men in an aggressive manner and then retreat into her femininity. If she's going to play in a man's world and comandeer the criminal underworld of a major metropolitan area, she can't fall back on chivalrous ideals to protect herself. You're either a renegade cyborg or a fabulous babe, Martha. A cyborg or a lady. You can't have it both ways.
However, it's more likely that the Combatribes ad is nothing more than a tasteless joke that someone at Technos took seriously just long enough for it to reach the pages of magazines. That's why it's comforting to think that, in today's gaming world, this attempt at advertising would get about as far as a proposal for another Bubsy game. Yes, the current gaming climate may include bouncing polygon mammaries with volleyball games attached, as well as naked BMX riders interspersed with performing strippers, but there's no way it would tolerate an ad with a streetwise he-man pounding a woman when she deviously appeals to his sense of manners. Players can beat hookers in Grand Theft Auto III, but the main character doesn't give a triumphant shout of “Cyborgs ain't ladies!” and expect us to laugh at it.
We're a long way from eradicating offensive depictions of women in video games, but at least we've gotten past the Combatribes ad and with it the unexamined puerility that dogged gaming throughout the early 1990s. So the next time you stare disdainfully at the pandering covers of Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball or Fear Effect 2: Retro Helix Lesbian Cleavage, tell yourself “Cyborgs ain't ladies!” and remember that things were once just a little bit worse.
